Who would Jesus date?

Last week I signed up the Born Jesus blog at the Top 1000 Christian, Top 1000 Baptist, and the Fundamentalist Top Sites websites. You may have noticed the logos over in the righthand sidebar (now removed).

Apparently, Born Jesus didn't cut the mustard with the Powers That Be. What? We don't qualify as a Christian site? I can no longer find Born Jesus on any of their lists. Oh, dear!

I was eyeballing the lists on these sites this morning, and noticed many interesting things. For example, after the top ten or twenty sites, many of which seem inter-related and/or related to the Top 1000 franchise themselves, the statistics recorded by these services show that most sites listed are receiving between 0 and 500 pageviews (not unique visitors, but pageviews) per day.

Today's site #318 on the Top 1000 Baptist list caught my eye: FundamentalistBaptistSingles.com. Oh, boy! Not just a Christian dating site, but a Fundamentalist Baptist dating site.

The first thing I noticed, from the Top 1000 list itself, was that FundamentalistBaptistSingles.com recorded 82 pageviews yesterday. Eighty-freaking-two looks. You can find more potential dates on a slow day in the produce aisle at the grocery store than you can on this website!

Of course I wanted to browse the selection of prospects. My soulmate might be there. But when I tried, I ran up against a few, shall we say, barriers.

Without registering, I was allowed to see only one profile, or rather, one photo and the basic stats. They offered me a 31-year old Alabama chubster, who is seeking, in her own words, "Anything." Repeated attempts at seeing a profile always returned "BethAnne."

Shall I join so I can see more fundie hotties? Intrigued, I try. But first, of course, I should read the membership rules fine print, to make sure I'm Kosher.

• They check IP addresses to make sure you live in the area you say you do. If it doesn't match, even if you made an error, you're tossed off the system, with no refund.
• No married person, even if legally separated, is allowed to join. If they discover you are married, they threaten to report you to not only local law enforcement agencies but your spouse. If you hold an "ordained Biblical office" such as Pastor or Deacon, they'll rat on you to your church, too.

Their Terms of Service agreement adds these burdens:

• If you don't respond to their emails about anything within 30 days, they assume you are hiding something.
• "You will not include in your profile any offensive anatomical or sexual references, or offensive sexually suggestive or connotative language, and you will not post any photos containing nudity. You also acknowledge that you are single (never married), divorced, widowed or legally separated."
• You cannot give out your real email address, last name, phone number, address or any other info using their system. How the hell are you supposed to connect with your Dream Date?
• "No photographs will be approved which depict non-modest attire, nakedness or have a sexual overtone. Bathing suits, halter tops and shorts, exposed torso and stomach, etc., are examples of photographs which are not acceptable. Non-modest attire includes, but, is not limited to the aforesaid examples. No photos of pets by themselves will be allowed either. Because the nature of this website is to edify Christ and adhere to the principles established in the Word of God, any photograph which is not in compliance with modest dress, will not be posted to the website. "
• "This website is for KJV Fundamental Baptists and to that end, we believe that the Authorized King James Bible is the holy, preserved and inerrant Word of God. While you may choose to use another version of the Bible in your reading, this is the only Bible used on this website. Any comment on the forums, personal essays and/or in chats, attempting to attack, diminish or discount the King James Bible will cause your account to be cancelled."
• These people are so into Being In Charge that they won't accept you if you use a free email service. "We don't accept memberships from free internet email accounts, including but not limited to juno.com, gmail.com, hotmail.com and/or yahoo.com. Additionally we will no longer accept email accounts from online services such as AOL, CompuServe and/or Prodigy."

Jesus would have never been able to get to first base with Mary Magdalene if he'd had to meet her on this site. I'm pretty sure it must be more fun to be Amish than it is to be a Fundamentalist Christian. You probably get laid more often, and you might even be allowed to enjoy it.

Image: Jesus and Mary, uncredited, from Jewlicious.com

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