Where Would Jesus Live? There are too many churches in my town, Texas mayor bemoans

Jesus has long since been co-opted by Christians. The Jews, God's Chosen People, didn't exactly, well, you know... anyway, Jesus certainly wouldn't chose to go back to His roots in Israel to live. Too much missle-launching and rock-throwing.

So where would He live?

I don't know where He would live (maybe in Malibu, near His pal Mel Gibson), but it's a cinch He 1) already has too many homes in Stafford, Texas and 2) would run all His business enterprises in Florida.

In a recent Los Angeles Times story (click quick, they tend to lock their stories away in the vaults pretty fast) Mayor Leonard Scarcella says, "Our city has an excessive number of churches."

Currently there are 51 tax-exempt religious institutions within the city limits, and the mayor doesn't want to see Number 52.

Located near Houston, this town of 19,277 has 51 chuches and religious organizations packed into its seven square miles.

Scarcella is mayor of this Houston-area community, which has 51 churches and other religious institutions packed into its 7 square miles. With only 300 undeveloped acres left in town, the mayor is crying out for businesses — someone to pay taxes — to move into their town.

Stafford is the largest city in Texas that doesn't have a property tax. Its government is run on the proceeds of sales taxes and business fees.

But churches don't pay sales taxes and business fees.

"It's thrown everything out of balance, plus providing zero revenue. Somebody's got to pay for police, fire and schools," City Councilman Cecil Willis said.

Churches are everywhere, in traditional church buildings as well as in strip shopping centers. There are 17 churches within a quarter-mile of the city's center. There's even one tucked in behind a muffler shop. Southern Baptists, Formosan Baptists, Chinese Baptists, Formosan Evangelicals, Buddhists, Muslims, Filipino Baptists, Spanish-speaking Baptists (my, there are a lot of Baptists — but, interestingly, not a single synagogue), and "every other variety of Christian you can imagine," Scarcella said.

An ordinance was eventually passed that required those who wanted to build a church — and other public gathering places, such as bowling alleys and community halls — to undergo a rigorous review process and obtain City Council approval.

Before the ordinance, "you could pretty much come in here and say, 'I want to open up a church,' and I'd say, 'OK,'" said Gene Bane, the city's director of building permits.

"If you can't find religion in Stafford, Texas, you ain't looking hard enough," Bane said.

Very few of the church-goers actually live in or even near Stafford. "As best as we've been able to determine, the overwhelming majority of people who attend here don't even live in Stafford; they're coming from everywhere else," Willis said. Stafford is about 15 miles from both Houston and Sugarland.

"I don't hate God. I'm not against America and apple pie," Willis said. "We just have to protect what's left for commercial development."

Willis said he asked the last six applicants why they wanted to build a church in Stafford. "Every one of them said they prayed about it, and God said to come here," he said. "I can't compete with that, so here we are."

Apparently some business investors have been praying, too, seeking exactly where Jesus wanted them to open Bible-themed enterprises. His Answer: Florida!

Move over, Walt! Move over, Domino's Catholic City! Here's comes Bible Land!

On July 1, 2006, Florida Statute 196.1987 went into effect, granting tax-free status (no sales tax liability or need to pay property tax) to any business run by a church organization that wishes to "exhibit, illustrate, and interpret Biblical manuscripts, codices, stone tablets, and other Biblical archives; provide live and recorded demonstrations, explanations, reenactments, and illustrations of Biblical history and Biblical worship; and exhibit times, places, and events of Biblical history and significance, when such activity is open to the public and is available to the public for no admission charge at least one day each calendar year...."

Wow... one day a year you gotta let a few people in for free, and the rest of the time, make money hand-over-fist (okay, assuming anyone actually wants to visit Bible Land) the other 364 days of the year.

Tax advisor and law professor Linda Beale writes that this law was passed specifically to make life easier for an Orlando-based themepark called the Holy Land Experience. She said Kent Hovind, the creationist who says dinosaurs roamed the earth during Bible times, is trying his Dinoland theme park under this law, too.

(I wonder if the Holy Land Experience themepark has rides where you get to shoot missiles at your neighbors?)

Of course, lawyers and lobbyists for Bhagavad-Gita Playland and Six Flags over Mecca will cry religious discrimination, keeping this tied up in court and in the legislature until Jesus's return finally settles it Once and For All.

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | Churches | Stafford, Texas | Holy Land Experience | Florida | Kent Hovind

"What are you looking at, Sugar Tits?": Mel Gibson's arrest for drunk driving

Actor-director Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving in Malibu, California (which he told the arresting officer he owned) on Friday by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Dept.

Written police reports appear to have been later doctored, ostensibily because someone in the sheriff's department wanted to downplay Gibson's anti-Jewish rant in which he called everyone he saw "f***ing Jews!", saying that the Mideast situation was "way too inflammatory" for the world to hear about Mel's anti-Semite outbursts. Jeez....

As he was being booked, he reported shouted to a female sergeant, "What are you looking at, sugar tits?!"

Sources say that the arresting officer was later told to re-write the police report, leaving out the incendiary comments and conduct. He did so, but some pages from the original report and an audiotape have since been found and made available via the Internet.

I guess we've all wondered, in our meditative moments.... What Would Mel Do?

Well, now we know.

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | Mel Gibson | Passion of the Christ |Drunk Driving | Born Jesus

Bush heals German chancellor by laying on of hands

The George W. Buddha blog reports that our Commander in Chief wasn't actually giving German Chancellor Angela Merkel a shoulder massage at the recent G-8 Summit. Instead, he was laying on his hands to restore her to health after she suffered a cardiac arrest.

"Be still," Bush said. "I command the demon inside of you to be released."

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | George W. Bush | Laying on of Hands | Born Jesus

Southern Baptist Convention passes resolution calling for new alcohol Prohibition; Jesus's wine-drinking would make him unwelcome in Baptist churches

In June, the Southern Baptist Convention met in Greensboro, N.C. They overwhelmingly passed a resolution calling for a new government Prohibition of alcohol.

Jesus, ostensibly the whole point of Christianity, shot to fame and A-list celebrity status after performing His first miracle at a wedding in Cana: He turned water into wine (John 2: 1-11). No doubt with a history of promoting alcohol with such reckless abandon, J.C. wouldn't be welcome in any Southern Baptist church today.

Southern Baptist Convention Resolution on Alcohol

WHEREAS, Years of research confirm biblical warnings that alcohol use leads to physical, mental, and emotional damage (e.g. Proverbs 23:29-35); and

WHEREAS, Alcohol use has led to countless injuries and deaths on our nation’s highways; and

WHEREAS, The breakup of families and homes can be directly and indirectly attributed to alcohol use by one or more members of a family;

And
WHEREAS, The use of alcohol as a recreational beverage has been shown to lead individuals down a path of addiction to alcohol and toward the use of other kinds of drugs, both legal and illegal; and

WHEREAS, There are some religious leaders who are now advocating the consumption of alcoholic beverages based on a misinterpretation of the doctrine of “our freedom in Christ”; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, That the messengers to the Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Greensboro, North Carolina, June 13-14, 2006, express our total opposition to the manufacturing, advertising, distributing, and consuming of alcoholic beverages; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we urge Southern Baptists to take an active role in supporting legislation that is intended to curb alcohol use in our communities and nation; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we urge Southern Baptist to be actively involved in educating students and adults concerning the destructive nature of alcoholic beverages; and be it finally

RESOLVED, That we commend organizations and ministries that treat alcohol-related problems from a biblical perspective and promote abstinence and encourage local churches to begin and/or support such biblically-based ministries.

Image: "Marriage at Cana," painted 1376-78 by Giusto de'Menabuoi, as a fresco in the baptistry of a cathedral in Padua

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | Alcohol | Prohibition | Born Jesus

Vatican says Da Vinci Code controversy was "gigantic marketing strategy"

Reprinted with permission from SacredFems.com

In an amazing display of hypocrisy, the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, mouthpiece for the Catholic Church, writes that the furor over the release of the film The Da Vinci Code was "much ado about nothing" and that the controversy surrounding the film was instigated by the producers of the film, not by the Church, AP reports.

Two months ago Catholics and Protestants and even Muslims were urging massive boycotts of the film. Protesters were marching outside theatres, carrying signs and passing out literature. Theatres were torched. Muslim countries banned the movie. Nuns and priests and even cheesy evangelical preachers were making public statements denouncing Satan for spreading Lies and Deceptions. People were writing nasty blogs about the "blasphemy" to their precious Lord and Savior. One fundamentalist pastor even re-wrote the ending of the book to have Robert Langdon repent of his sins and become a Christian.

Now that the movie has proven to be less than a cinematic success, the Church is saying, "Oh, pshaw! We never were worried about that."

I gotta call "bullsh*t!" You guys were about to wet your pants, you were so distraught.

The Vatican newspaper called the uproar leading up to the movie "probably the most gigantic marketing strategy of a book and a film seen in the last few decades."

Search this blog for "Da Vinci Code" and you'll find quite a few stories about the Church's fears about this movie, including:

• Da Vinci Code blamed for Welsh monk's suicide
• Catholics demand Da Vinci Code be labeled as fiction
• War on The Da Vinci Code
• This Week in God: The Da Vinci Code Edition
• The Da Vinci Code already sold out in Mexico, Italy and Spain
• Tom Hanks blasts Da Vinci Code critics
• Simply blasphemous! — Cathlic priests urge protests of The Da Vinci Code

...and many more.

Da Vinci Code | Catholic Church | Movie Reviews | Born Jesus | SacredFems.com

Top ten signs you're a fundamentalist Christian

10 — You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 — You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 — You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 — Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in Exodus and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in Joshua including women, children, and trees!

6 — You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 — You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 — You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects — will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 — While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor "speaking in tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 — You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 — You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history — but still call yourself a Christian.

— Reprinted with permission from EvilBible.com.

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | Atheism | Fundamentalist Christianity | Born Jesus

Why are there no dinosaurs in the Bible?

Georgia-born comedian Bill Hicks (1961-1994) on fundamentalist Christianity and dinosaurs:

Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages — 12 thousand years." Well, how f***ing scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.

You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one-word question. Ready? "Uh-uh." Dinosaurs.

You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time... you'd think it would have been mentioned in the f***ing Bible at some point. "And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: "What a big f***ing lizard, Lord!" But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat f***ing families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."

You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?

Religion | Comedy | Fundamentalist Christianity | Bill Hicks | Dinosaurs | Born Jesus

Hallucinogenic research finds magic mushrooms enhance spirituality

I thought it was settled in the 1960s, when millions of hippies and shamans and college students went self-exploring, that magic mushrooms would help you "see God," but I guess it takes a scientist to makes things official.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins have found that an active agent contained in "sacred mushrooms" can induce strikingly similar mystical experiences in different subjects; and the experiences seem to be descriptively identical to spontaneous epiphanies that people have reported for centuries. Preempting accusations of pseudoscience due to the nature and subject matter under investigation, the researchers emphasized that their experiments followed a strict and meticulous scientific methodology. Interestingly, the researchers observed that exposure to the hallucinogen had a residual effect on subjects, with reported positive changes in behavior often lasting for several months.

Read more....

Image: "Transfiguration," a painting by Alex Grey.

Hallucinogen | Spirituality | Magic Mushrooms | Psilocybin | Born Jesus

Jesus Christ conquers the Martians

Sometimes people you meet when you're young go on to great things when they get older. Or maybe I'm just impressed 'cause I can't draw very well. At any rate, someone I met a few times nearly 20 years ago has gone Hollywood, and here's some of his handiwork.

His self-written bio says:

David Merrill was born in Georgia sometime in the 20th century. He's been cartooning since he was 6 and has self-published dozens of comics, zines, flyers, and libelous agitprop. Since 1995 he's been chairman of Anime Weekend Atlanta, the southeast's prominent Japanese cartoon festival. He created the "Anime Hell" event now seen at conventions and gatherings nationwide. His work has appeared in the anthologies DRUNK TANK and JUKU, as well as the annual publication for the FLUKE minicomics festival. David Merrill received a BFA in Illustration from Georgia State University.

Dave Merrill is pretty good with pen and ink and swear words. Enjoy.

Jesus Christ | Christian | Martian | Anti-Christ | Anime | Comics | Born Jesus

Christian sex toys: What would Jesus do?

Joy Wilson sells sex toys online, but only to Christians.

Not willing to give business to sex shops that also sell pornography, the 35-year-old mother of two started an online business with the help of a Texas pastor and his wife to sell "marital aids," according to the Toronto Star.

Her company is called Book22, after the 22nd book of the Bible, "The Song of Solomon," a love poem between Solomon and one of his wives, or harem girls, or something. Or between Jesus and his bride the Church, if you believe certain fundamentalists.

Condoms. Lube. Vibrating panties. Her best-selling item is the jelly egg, a wear-it-all-day insertable vibrator. But you can't stick it in unless you're married and a Christian!

Jesus Christ | Christian | Christianity | Sex | Christian Sex Toys | Born Jesus

Intruder repents after being told he needs God, not money

A man burst into an elderly couple's home in Alabama this week, slugging the husband and then demanding money from his wife.

Margaret Molnar told the intruder he didn't need money, he needed God. According to the woman, the man then lifted his shirt to show a tattoo of Jesus on one pec and a tattoo of a cross on the other. He then knelt down and asked forgiveness before fleeing without taking anything, according to the woman.

Click here to watch a television station's report on this strange story.

Jesus Christ | Home Invasion | Repentance | Forgiveness | Born Jesus

Allah lays an egg

Just as we were tiring of seeing the Virgin Mary and Jesus in sheet metal, plates of spaghetti, and rocks, along comes the egg layed with "Allah" inscribed on its shell.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Allah' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform. "We'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad."

Reuters said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village.

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion.

Easter will never be the same.

Actually, though the press is making a big deal of this, the phenomena is probably as commonplace as the Jesus and Mary sitings mentioned above.

A website called Miracles of Allah Almighty has pictures of a cow inscribed with the word Allah, a piece of watermelon inscribed with the word Allah, a bean inscribed with the word Allah, a tomato inscribed with the word Allah, and even another egg inscribed with the word Allah (see photo above), a cat inscribed with the word Allah, fish inscribed with the word Allah. There is a photo of trees bent into the shape of the word Allah, branches shaped like the word Allah, even clouds proclaiming the Name. According to the site, even the Moon is inscribed with the word Allah.

The power of the human imagination is wondrous and mighty indeed.

Jesus Christ | Virgin Mary | Allah | God Sightings | Born Jesus